It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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