those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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