I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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