why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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