Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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