At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
