...so i touched it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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