1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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