im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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