chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
