dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
