I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
