So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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