Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
