Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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