She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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