Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
