I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
