May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's never too late to be topless.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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