i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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