Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
