All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
