How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
