Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
