I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
