Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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