he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
