She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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