the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
