I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
