I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
