I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
