shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
