if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
