No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
