hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
