I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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