my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
