I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
