why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
