so let's talk penis.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
