this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
