just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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