a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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