the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
