i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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