Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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