Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
