you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
