I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
