Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
